Day 4: Defiant
And on the fourth day, I rested.
Better known as… if it’s Thursday, I must be emotionally spent.
But good can come from an emotional gas tank on empty. Sometimes that’s when we learn the most about ourselves.
And today I learned I am defiant. As evidenced, surprisingly, by seven hair ties around my left wrist. Black. Brown. Red. Pink. Purple. Turquoise. And leopard print.
I know it’s stupid, but these hair ties represent, in some weird way, who I really am whilst in “boy mode.” Something I can look at when I start to have my doubts. In other words, all the freakin’ time.
But figuring out who you really are is tough when you’re transgendered.
Speaking only for myself (and that’s a very important distinction, by the way), I’ve experienced, over the course of literally decades, what I can only describe as distinct phases, starting with exploration, objectification (better known as the “stripper phase”) to this past year as an alternative “female” construct of myself (“Jenni”).
But my most recent epiphany is fueled by Eddie Izzard, very quickly becoming my patron saint. I now have a “boy mode” — the version of me that I am comfortable sharing in public, and “girl mode” who still lives safely at home usually only on weekends. But it’s this crazy, funny, feisty, smart and hopefully sexy “girl” who I aspire to be in public.
But, and this is important (and, yes, we’re be talking about my big but), being in “girl mode” doesn’t mean I lose who I’ve been for literally 48 years. It doesn’t mean I stop watching football. Or Doctor Who. Or kick-ass adventure movies.
This is only a sliver of the entirety of me. Okay, perhaps a slice. Or may be even a big, it’s-you’re-birthday-and you’re-allowed-to-splurge sized shard of birthday cake. But regardless of how tasty that piece of cake is, it’s still only a part of me.
Yeah, sorry. That analogy ran off the rails a bit.
In any event, my hope is that I can show the world who I really feel like on the inside. And speaking of kick-ass adventure movies, I’m hoping that woman is a little like Ellen Ripley, Beatrix Kiddo and Sarah Connor.